But those remarks aren't the main point of this note. What I wish to say is that though my desire to dig in to philosophy has, I believe, merit, there is something wrong. I have been a follower of Christ since age 25, and here I am at 72 having a problem with the flesh, i.e. the selfish, bodily part of the self. I am not talking about sex -- though I have plenty to confess on that subject. I am talking about compulsive book-buying. It is easy to say that stocking up on every book for which one has a hankering is a harmless hobby. But I know that I am responding to the silly desire of the acquisitive flesh.
I am not a fast reader, and so I know I am fooling myself when I buy so much. I realize that other people fling money around much more wildly. But what's that to me? The point is that I am yielding to the flesh when I ought not. Some books, fine. But my madcap book-buying spree makes no sense. Well, why do I hurt my spiritual walk? Partly, I like to think I can become fairly knowledgeable on this subject. Yet, why should I? How much do I need? Am I truly letting God guide me or am I more or less presuming on his kindness?
A substantial factor here I think is my use daily of pseudoephedrine decongestant, which I take in order to counter some of the effects of the leukemia I am dealing with. The stuff is a mild stimulant, but unfortunately my system tends to overreact to various medicines. Hence, what happens is that my impulsivity is increased, making me a hair-trigger impulse shopper. I realize I am not being a good steward with God's money.
I know in my head that I have been spiritually off-base, even though I have been having a hard time feeling anything about this slippage. I guess I am assuming that one of these days I'll get around to repenting. Still, I am confident that God will help me to straighten up and get back on track -- and do better this time.
It is possibly relevant that I have been sorely afflicted in the flesh -- literally -- by a parasitic mite infestation that I have been fighting for seven months, with doctors baffled as to how to deal with this -- the right word is "demonic" -- attack.
While I'm at it, I should point out another major shortfall: the way I eat. After all these years, I still like to gorge, as in eat one big meal a day. The flesh just drives me when I'm supposedly hungry. Should not I have more experience with fasting and prayer, something I rarely do? When Jesus urges us to consume him, he means that spiritual manna is much better than three squares a day. A spiritual man learns to do without such, and to enjoy the rare spiritual delicacies of God. I know this, and yet here I am stuck in this same old rut. Even so, I expect God will for sure put me right.
In fact he once told me that "we can drag you in" to the kingdom of God, if necessary.
Well that's a good thing. A savior who saves the intractable bungle-heads -- to the uttermost.
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. — 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
